I went into the hospital yesterday (Tuesday) for a meet with mum and my sister to sort out what is happening with dad and it appears that the cancer is a lot worse than we had been told. The cancer is rare, aggressive and spreading where he was told originally he had maybe 1-2 years to live he has now been told that it has been reduced to a few months – and that is being optimistic assuming that the fluid build up in the lungs can be addressed and the cancer progression can be slowed via moderate chemo therapy. Both my mum and sister cried, I fought back the tears and trying to be the strong male role in the family – I had a good cry when I got home but I’m trying to take on the leadership required to help mum and my sister get through this time.
At the moment it just doesn’t feel real because the news is so shocking – I keep hoping that something will happen, that through some miracle he is able to pull through and walk through the door all cured but having read through an email he sent to the local parish priest it all came crashing down on me then. Dad has always been there for me, the ability to stand back and look at the bigger picture and never getting hysterical about problems – a deep breath, sober analysis and acceptance of what has happened then looking at the possible solutions to the problem I was facing at the time. Having read through the email he sent, he has accepted that this is the end of journey for him on earth and a beginning of a new one – the time we have on earth is incredibly precious and we should cherish each day that we have. After reading it, I couldn’t even make it half way through – I broke down in tears, maybe the suddenly realisation where intellectually I had accepted what the situation is by my emotions hadn’t caught up yet.
I’m taking a few days off from work to get myself emotionally together then head back to work for the graveyard shift on Friday and Saturday along with end of week on Sunday. My brother is came around 20 minutes to midnight Tuesday – I’ll catch up with him later on today however from what I understand he hasn’t bough a return ticket so there is no ‘hard and fast’ time table that he is sticking too. I need to keep busy and focused or otherwise I’ll turn into a crying wreck and never get anything done. There is a time to morn but there is also a time to accept that those of us who are still alive to continue on living.